Crickets, silence on the net…

“When one goes looking for something, one rarely finds it, but when you least expect it, the object of your search tends to fly up in front of you.”

This is  a hard topic to write about.  What happened all those years ago, the coverup by the church, the discord in the survivor community.  I find myself both drawn to writing and wanting to put all this down and walking away to something else, anything else.  I have had people recommend both courses of action, some more profane that others.

I wrote a piece not too long ago looking for the “Survivor Community”.  There was no response from the “community”.  I know someone is reading “Off My Knees”.  I see readership  numbers that mystify me everyday. I am even more perplexed when I have not had a post for a little while and the numbers start to climb into the hundreds per day.   Usually that is the indicator that something has stirred in the universe and another person in authority (priest, coach, teacher, cop, relative…)  has been identified as a molester/rapist of children or that a major piece of legislation has come to a head or that someone has died.  When I see random peaks in readership, I go to the analytics that I track for my blog looking for an explanation.

I do get emails from survivors or people close to a survivor looking for answers, advice or a conversation with someone who understands all too well what happened all those years ago.  I am very wary of requests for phone conversations and even more concerned about requests for face to face meetings.  I am also hesitant to offer advice, mostly because I still have more questions than answers.

The other night I was tracking activity in this blog that turn out to be  someone who was reposting a blog post I had written.  That is when the thought came to me.  As Survivors, we don’t trust each other.   Is it possible that what we have in common also alienates us from each other?  Our vulgar initiation into this universe of survivors makes us ever vigilant and doubtful of the motives of our correspondents.  We will read each other’s posts on blogs and message boards, but there is a hesitance to respond, to act, to come together.   For many, we have not really given up the great terrible secret that we have carried for so long.   We may be silently watching from the comfort of our own world.  Many are not engaged.  Many are not ready to be engaged.  Many are too tired of all of it to be engaged.

While we may have a great deal in common, we, as a group, do not really talk very much.  I kept quiet for well over 33 years.  All that silence keeps things from happening.  It keeps the well-organized people who protected the criminals who preyed on us strong.  It keeps them on the street, it keeps them from being called to account for their complicity.

Our silence also fails to shape the message of our community.  Silence is seen by consent by groups that are putting forward an agenda.  Those agendas are not always in our collective interest.  Within our community there are bitter divisions.  Some of the worst vitriol I have seen spewed at survivors has come from other survivors.  Discourse between us is not only discouraged, it is often attacked when the message does not support the “national position” .

We still need to find our collective voices, we still need to learn to network.   Most importantly, we must understand that, while there is a common thread, we all have very unique experiences that don’t always fit nicely into the general picture being painted of the community.   Just as I am amazed at the inability of the hierarchy of the Catholic Church to tell the truth, I am amazed at the sometimes vicious tactics used between survivors.

Differences in points of view should be expected.   But the infighting and the polarization in the survivor community are doing nothing but helping the people/organizations/institutions who desperately want us to remain silent and subservient.

Justice4pakids-5k Run/Walk & 1 Mile Kid Run

Passed along from a friend in PA:

Justice4pakids-5k Run/Walk & 1 Mile Kid Run

On May 4^th, 2013 8am come out and run or walk the beautiful Chester Valley Trail located near Exton, PA. Punch into your GPS 140 Church Farm Lane Exton, PA as this is our starting point! There is plenty of parking, public restrooms and a playground!

Register today at:

https://www.signup2raceusa.com/ccrs/justice4pakids/

The race is being managed by the Chester County Running Company .

The cause is for Justice4pakids,  a non-profit working for better laws in our state for sexually abused victims. We want to raise money to do more child safety awareness seminars that are free and open to the public. 1 in 4 girls and 1 in 6 boys are sexually abused before age 18 and we want those numbers to change!

We have lots of great items for every child who participates such as free bowling passes, free cones from Dairy Queen, coupons for Rita’s Water Ice, free passes for Bounce U and each child gets a medal! The prize wheel will raffle off a Wegman’s gift card, 6 passes for QVC Studio behind the scenes tour, one free day of doggie care at Wagsworth Manor and much more.  People are sending in prizes every day!

Every runner gets a T-shirt. The race is a timed event and winners in age categories will be presented with a medal!

Free pizza and refreshments from Seasons Pizza for all!

Please sign up online or email info@justice4pakids.com if you have questions!

Is the PA House Judiciary Committee Chairman Protecting An Abuser?

There is a fight going on in the State Assembly in Harrisburg.   House Judiciary Committee Chairman Ron Marsico is opposed to Window Legislation that would allow a window to open for civil cases to be brought against pedophiles and other sexual predators who have committed crimes against children and vulnerable adults.    Marsico is a Catholic, so it is logical that he would like to protect his church.  Well, not really logical, perhaps it is understandable that he would bow to pressure from his church.

But I am thinking that there may be a more personal reason here.   A priest by the name of Guy Marsico was credibly accused of abusing a child and removed from ministry in the Harrisburg area.   Is it possible that Representative Ron Marsico is protecting a family member who would stand to face civil action if a window was opened?  This may not be political.  It could be very personal, family business.  I wonder what, if any,  the familial relationship is between the House Judiciary Chairman in Harrisburg and the  former priest assigned to St. Leo the Great Catholic Church in Rohrerstown?

That would be a fairly huge conflict of interest and a slap at survivor’s of sexual abuse as children if it turns out that the peoples’ representative is putting the interests of a predator family member ahead of the protection of children and justice for victims of prior abuse.  I would love to know the answer!

House Bill 342 needs to get an up or down vote on the floor of the Pennsylvania State Assembly.

…And the Lord seemed to sleep…

The dome of St. Peters struck by lightning on the night of the Papal resignation

The resignation of Pope Benedict XVI came as a shock to the Catholic Church and the world.  In the last month pundits have examined and speculated on the reasons for his sudden retirement and the tremor that went through the trouble Catholic Church that resulted from his announcement.

In what is being touted as his farewell speech, the Pontiff sited failing health and energy as the reason for his unconventional departure from the throne of Saint Peter.   Canon Law (Canon 332, No. 2) states “If it happens that the Roman Pontiff resigns his office, it is required for validity that the resignation is made freely and properly manifested but not that it is accepted by anyone.” In other words, he can leave and no one has the right to say “No you can’t go!”  It seems that the only restriction is that he can’t take his red shoes with him into retirement.

Catholics have an expectation the their Pope will die in office.  The departure of Benedict, without benefit of death, opens many wounds that should be addressed by the Conclave.  It should be noted that the last Pope to “retire”  St. Celestine V, was imprisoned by his successor and died in a papal prison.   Scholars believe that the line  ”who made from cowardice the great refusal” in Dante’s  The Divine Comedy was a reference to Celestine V.

So here we are on the first night of the Conclave.  Ballot 1 resulted in black smoke.  Tomorrow we will see up to four more polls of the assembled Cardinals.  These men are as far removed from the teachings of their Lord as can be.  Take a look at the media coverage during the last month.  Think of the image that is being presented by the princes of the church in their blood-red, silk cassocks and hand tied fine lace.  Each in what seemed to be different patterns of finery.  Is this what the successor of Peter should look like?  Or are we seeing the excesses of royalty in a church wracked with scandal?  These men are addressed by grand titles such as “Your Eminence”.  Have they become the modern-day Pharisees, enamored of their titles?

These men are sweeping away the numerous scandals and crises in the church as they prepare to crown a new monarch.  They talk of looking to the future (why look at the carnage in their wake?).  They ignore the sex abuse crisis that has seen children and vulnerable adults preyed upon by sexual predators.  The church continues to protect these monsters.  As much as Cardinals would like the “scandal” to be over, new stories come forward every day detailing the loss of innocence, faith and trust.

The Vatican Bank has been a scandal for decades.  Can you believe that the bank run by the Vatican is considered to be one of the most corrupt in the world?  It has consistently failed to be in compliance with international standards.  The Pope’s bank has been involved in laundering money for years!  Can someone tell me why the Vatican needs to be running a bank?  Are there no Italian Banks that can serve the needs of the Curia, while adhering to Italian law and international banking practices?

The fact that the Vatican is a sovereign nation unto itself also makes me wonder what these men in red silk are up to.  Although, most of these men are citizens of other countries, they are voting for the head of state of another nation.  Should Cardinal Dolan’s American citizenship be revoked because he is an official of a foreign government?

It seems that the men in red silk are a little taken with themselves.  They parade around in their finery, vote under the watchful eye of Renaissance masters and try to look like humble servants of the church.  I wonder if Jesus was alive today if he would be throwing these pretenders to the throne of Peter out of the temple, exposing them as the frauds that they really are.

Benedict spoke of his concern that the “Lord seemed to sleep”.   I would theorize that it is  Catholics who are sleeping.  They allow crisis after crisis, scandal after to scandal to go unabated.  There are no consequences for the princes of the church. Perhaps the forces at work in the Vatican are not those of light and salvation.

Benedict XVI should be wary in his retirement. He did not have the good sense to die.  Celestine V was imprisoned by his successor,  Pope Boniface VIII. He was seen as a threat that could be used to destabilize the Holy See.  He would die in his prison cell, some scholars think he was murdered by order of Boniface.

In the meantime, the world is glued to their smart phones, computers, iPads, tablets and televisions waiting for white smoke to rise from the makeshift chimney on the roof of the Sistine Chapel.   I guess we will know who will be wearing red shoes soon enough.

Is there a Survivor’s Community?

The past year has seen some spectacular events that have given some hope to survivors of child sexual abuse at the hands pedophile predators in our society.  Indeed this crisis knows no borders and is not limited to those of a certain faith.  We have seen the conviction of a Catholic Bishop for covering up sexual crimes committed against children, the conviction and imprisonment of Jerry Sandusky for committing those crimes and a monsignor in Philadelphia for carrying out a program of protecting pedophiles at the expense of innocent children and parishioner’s money.   Large institutions still are willing to sacrifice the innocent in order to protect the privilege of the few at the top and to prevent scandal from coming to light.

For me personally, I have had to come to grips with the death of the predator who counted me as one of his many victims.  He was prolific throughout his life in targeting boys in dysfunctional family situations from alcoholism to catastrophic illness.  He hid behind his Roman Collar and he found the protection of a Diocese that was willing to move him around to different parishes and ultimately out of the diocese and the state to keep him safe from prosecution.

With the announcement that the Pope has offered his resignation, something not done in over 600 years, just as the documentary “Mea Maxima Culpa” has aired on HBO (see the promo here), I wonder what the future of the Hierarchy of the Catholic Church will be.   I can safely say that the entire College of Cardinals who will be voting in the next few weeks were elevated to helm of their respective curiae by either John Paul II or Benedict XVI.  In a word, they are very conservative in the mold of the men who hoped to shape their church by selecting Cardinals who shared similar conservative outlooks on the Holy Roman Catholic Church.

The one piece of the puzzle that continues to vex me is the Survivor Community.  The community that speaks for the victims.  There isn’t really a strong confederation of groups in the United States that networks survivors and promotes an agenda in the State Capitols.  There is no larger, worldwide organization that stands up for the survivors, that is a solid united front for the people who have been neglected all these years.

At this point I will say, again, that I don’t think SNAP is effective because its national leadership seems disconnected from the rest of us.   The organization is not a network, despite its name.   There is a vocal element out there that feels that the organization is an arm of the Catholic Church because of the way it is formed.  They base this claim on the letter that follows:

Personally, I am not convinced this is a smoking gun.  I think this was more of the birth of an organization that did not know how to chart its own course at its genesis.  But I will let you come to your own conclusions.

During the last week I have been having a heated electronic correspondence with another survivor who has accused me of rolling over on the survivor community and stunting a dialogue between us.   I have been accused of many things in the past few years from all sides of this issue.  But, as much as I hate to admit it, my correspondent has got me thinking.  We talk about a survivor community as if it really exists.   We talk about networks but we are not networked as a community.

I need to know what the expectations of survivors are (I hate the word victim).  I need to hear the thoughts of others with similar experiences on what needs to be done.  I need  to know what expectations are out there.   If we are going to be a community, a network there is needs to be a common philosophical and pragmatic basis to gather the various groups into a confederation, an alliance or a coalition.

There are a lot of egos in this community.  Mine to be counted among them.  There has to be a way to come to some kind of accord in order to optimize the talents, energy and, if need be, the anger that resides within the universe of survivors and their supporters.

If no accord can be reached, is there another way to harness the energy of survivors to achieve tangible goals for our society so that we can remove the veil of protection that pedophiles in large institutions have enjoyed in the name of saving the reputation of those institutions?  I have said it before and I will continue to say that I had to keep my great terrible secret alone for all those years, my perp had help keeping his.

My questions are not rhetorical, I need to know.  I need you to tell me.  I think we all need to have the discussion in a civil manner.  But the discussion needs to be had, by the entire community, if there is really a community out  there.

I am waiting to hear from all of you.

SNAPpish

I put a blog post on January 16 entitled 99,601.  I thought it was pretty innocuous, more of a “I’m still out here” piece than anything else.   It drew a vitriolic response from one reader who decided that it was more of an exercise in narcissism and that I should be taking a more vocal stand against the Survivors’ Network of those Abused by Priests (SNAP).  To be honest, this is my blog and I am going to write as often as I am moved to on topics of my choosing.  If you don’t like it I would like to direct you the freshly pressed section of WordPress.  There is some really neat stuff there.

If you have read this blog for any length of time you will know that I do not have a lot of love for the National Director of SNAP.   I have voiced my opinion on SNAP and the way the national board conducts business.  I wrote a blog post entitle Parting Company with SNAP that spun up a lot of comments and heated discussion, some of it too nasty to approve on both sides of the discussion.   Do I really want to rehash that?  Not so much!   I don’t think, as a blogger, I need to announce annually  that I am not a fan of the national leadership of SNAP.  I still hold out hope that at some point the Survivor community finds a network where we all get an opportunity to work together collectively to advance a legislative agenda that will lengthen statutes of limitation

Instead of pointing out, again, that I think SNAP is a self licking ice cream cone, I choose to spend my time and some of my money supporting organizations like the Foundation to Abolish Child Sex Abuse and Justice4PAKids and their efforts to change laws and do real and tangible good.  They are making a difference.  SNAP is more focused on having 2 conferences this year, one here in the States and the other in Ireland.   I guess the National director is working on improving his standing in the airline rewards program of his choice.

At this point I would add that I am very impressed by some of the state SNAP coordinators.  Becky Ianni in Virginia is the real deal.  I have only met her twice, but she is a force for good in the northern Virginia and Washington DC region.  I would gladly support any effort she led.   Karen Polesir has helped me on occasion and is active in a coalition of groups working to get SOL and window legislation through the State Assembly in Harrisburg, Pennsylvania.

I support people like Kay Ebeling who has been reporting (not blogging, reporting) on the sexual abuse crisis for years and has gotten little support from   the survivor community.  She has been inspiring and I consider her a friend.  Funny, the vocal ones have the church, its apologist and many survivors attacking them.   I guess that is the point I am circling here.   Even in the survivor community there is a chasm between elements.  Being a good, compliant survivor or victim makes you a darling to some of the national groups.  Dare to criticize them and see how quickly you are on the outs.  Lessons learned from the hierarchy of the Catholic Church I guess.

For now I look at the future.  I think that change will come but it will not be led by a national organization.  We don’t have an effective one.  It will be led by regional groups, some affiliated with larger organizations, some will be independent.  Fools will rush in and out.   We all need to stay the course.   We really will not get anywhere if we are sniping at each other.

Vatican Announces the Resignation of the Pope

News reports on the major networks this morning have broken a story that Pope Benedict is resigning his position.  Right now there is just speculation on the reasons for the pontiff stepping down.  This is the first papal resignation in 600 years.

In a Vatican that has been consumed with scandal from the child sex abuse crisis (still ongoing) to mismanagement to bank fraud, the boss is calling it quits.  It could be age, health or a multitude of other reasons for his decision to choose this moment to step down.

Stay tuned!

PA Legislators Reintroduce Child Sex Abuse Legislation

The State Assembly in Harrisburg will be taking up the issue of child abuse legislation again.  The following is the first two paragraphs of an article on what went on in Harrisburg earlier this week.   Click on the link below to read the full story.

“Representatives Michael McGeehan (D-Philadelphia) and Louise Bishop (D-Philadelphia) were joined by colleagues and advocates to announce the reintroduction of child sex abuse legislation and a renewed push to get the legislation enacted. Members present included Representatives Tim Briggs (D-Montgomery), Michelle Brownlee (D-Philadelphia), Mary Jo Daley (D-Montgomery), Ed Gainey (D-Allegheny), Kevin Haggerty (D-Lackawanna), Stephen Kinsey (D-Philadelphia), Joe Markosek (D-Allegheny), Duane Milne (R-Chester), Tom Murt (R-Montgomery), Cherelle Parker (D-Philadelphia), Mark Rozzi (D-Berks), Steve Santarsiero (D-Bucks), Mike Schlossberg (D-Lehigh), and Ron Waters (D-Philadelphia).

Rep. Bishop shared her personal story as a victim of child sexual abuse to explain why she introduced HB 237. Bishop, who came out last year as a victim, described her struggle with keeping the abuse a secret and why it took her so long for her to finally disclose it. She reiterated that HB 237, which would remove the statute of limitations on criminal charges and civil lawsuits, was not about money. She stressed that the legislation is about allowing the women and men who were abused as children to seek justice and receive the help they need to heal. She believes she was sent to the House of Representative to take care of the victims. As a mother and grandmother, Bishop said that she wants to help those who have been abused. She repeated that “it is time to put victims first” and asked for the legislation to move out of Committee, be considered by all legislators and signed into law.”

Read the full story at:
http://wallaby.telicon.com/PA/library/2013/20130123CT.HTM

99,601…

…views on this blog as of this evening.  It is a little unnerving to see that this little conversation I am having, mostly with myself at times, has attracted that much traffic with just over 200 posts released into the internet.  Perhaps I will see 100,000 by the weekend!

Somehow it is now 2013.  And we are already half way through January.   I will admit that the passing of 2012 into the history books gives me a sense of relief.  I feel like I have been holding my breath underwater for most of the year.  It was a year of personal challenges, uncertainty at work, a separation agreement that should have taken weeks went on significantly longer and the last shallow exhale from the man who stole so much from so many.  He made it! He won the race to the grave without being held publicly accountable.  He was aided and abetted to the end by the Diocese of Scranton’s hierarchy and the Servants of the Paraclete at the St. John Vianney Center in Dittmer, Missouri.

Yes, good riddance 2012!

We start 2013 with more stories of priests and lay teachers on trial, overly redacted files from the Archdiocese of Los Angeles and a bishop still holding on to his See despite his conviction in helping to protect a pedophile.   Lets also throw the ongoing targeting of American Nuns by a church hierarchy so corrupt and arrogant that they can bully with impunity, while the faithful sit in the pew remain passive.

Here we go again!

But there is hope for this year to start off on a positive note!  Justice4PAkids  is holding a Jan 23 press conference in the  Harrisburg State House Rotunda at 10 am for introduction of new bills for abolishing statute of limitations (SOLs) for sexual crimes committed against children. Maureen Martinez, Justice4PAkids President, is encouraging people to come out and support the cause. She requests that you please RSVP to: info@justice4pakids.com if you can make it.  If you can support this group, please do so.  They are really leading the charge for justice and accountability in the Commonwealth of Pennsylvania!

I am hopeful that 2013 will be a good year on many fronts.  I wish you all a happy and healthy new year.  I wish you all  the truth and justice for which we all seek.

And they will know we are Christians by our love…

It never fails to amaze me that the some of the nastiest comments that come into this blog are from self-proclaimed good Catholics.  A case in point, in the last week I have had two comments come in from “Ted Conley” (NDHS East Stroudsburg class of 83?).  The first comment I will assume is for me, the second was directed at a person who has commented on posts in the blog before.  I don’t always agree with that individual’s comments but I have put many of them up on this blog.  The text of this “Good Catholic’s” comments go like this:

Yup, “The Church is the Real Victim!” is so unfortunately true. This bottom-dwelling scum drags down the greatness of God and Jesus. Makes me nuts on a regular basis. Always hoping there is a special place in hell preheated and waiting for these soul-stealing a-holes.

and…

{name deleted}, do you sift the web for chances to bash Catholicism? Most all Catholics I’ve ever met are wonderful caring people. Please peddle (sic) your tripe on the heathen websites where you’re surely appreciated.

 

You are a class act, Ted!  I am sure you sit in your pew piously on Sunday morning (or perhaps on Saturday evening because you like sleeping in on Sundays!)  It is your particular level of vitriol that sets you as one of the more stereotypical Catholics who are in denial about what is going on in your church.  Go ahead and drink the Kool-Aid, make excuses for the hierarchy of your church protecting pedophiles, using parishioners’ money to keep their dirty little secrets and vilify the victims of pedophile priests. 

What you seem to miss is that many people like me do not attack your faith or your fellow Catholics, we simply are amazed at the fact that, in spite of overwhelming evidence of wrong doing, you either put your head in the sand or go for character assassination.   The latter being the first sign of a weak argument.

The title of this post is from a hymn written by Peter Scholtes with additional words and music by Carolyn Arends.  The lyrics to the hymn are:  (Hey Ted, sing along!)

We are one in the Spirit, we are one in the Lord
We are one in the Spirit, we are one in the Lord
And we pray that all unity may one day be restored
And they’ll know we are Christians by our love, by our love
They will know we are Christians by our love

We will work with each other, we will work side by side
We will work with each other, we will work side by side
And we’ll guard each one’s dignity and save each one’s pride
And they’ll know we are Christians by our love, by our love
They will know we are Christians by our love

By our love, by our love

And they’ll know we are Christians by our love, by our love
They will know we are Christians by our love

We will walk with each other, we will walk hand in hand
We will walk with each other, we will walk hand in hand
And together we’ll spread the news that God is in our land
And they’ll know we are Christians by our love, by our love
They will know we are Christians by our love

By our love, by our love

And they’ll know we are Christians by our love, by our love
They will know we are Christians by our love

Love is patient, love is kind
Never boasts, not full of pride
Always hopes, always trusts
The evidence of Christ in us

This is my commandment that you love one another that your joy may be full

 

It is ironic that every time I have heard this hymn it reminds me of the hypocrisy of many (not all) Catholics.  Ted is a prime example.  I am sure he is a pillar of his church.  But outside of the church he seems to be a little different based on the words and tone of his acidic comments. (He must be a lawyer!)   I can tell you are a Christian by your love, Ted.  You are a real sweetheart!  

I hope there is a special place in hell for preheated for heathens like me.  I am sure it will be a damn spot cooler than where Ted and his “lovable” Catholics will be heading.  Bring it Ted, be another mindless Catholic automaton! Perhaps it is the lack of “evidence of Christ” in people filled with hate, Ted for instance, that makes people like me cringe at hymns sung by hypocrites.  Is it any wonder that people are leaving the church in droves?